Dear Daniel and Maite,

I have a question. I live in a downstair condo unit. It’s new building and we recently moved in. I was brushing my teeth at the bathroom sink when I heard someone, um “relieving themselves” in the bathroom above. It was as audible as if they were in the room with me. Is there anything I can do for more privacy? More insulation? Anything?

thank you,
Patience B.
Jacksonville Beach, FL

Dear Patience,

Daniel:  An excellent question, and one that I think all first floor apartment dwellers have experienced.  My first apartment in New York was beneath a rollar derby team and I used to drift off to sleep to the dulcet tones of their wheels grinding across their floor (my ceiling.)

Maite: Didn’t you date one of them?

Daniel: One?

These are the sweetest girls that my past has to offer...

Maite: Hence, your pathological fear of ball bearings…. If you owned the apartment, then you could soundproof the ceiling, but even still you wouldn’t be able to get rid of the sound because it travels down through the plumbing.  I think a schedule is in order.

Daniel: Right.  Like he can only pee between the hours of 9am to high noon, and 7pm to 10.  I think that’s perfectly reasonable.

Maite: A better idea is to create some ambiant sound in your bathroom to cover the sound of your neighbour’s um, what’s a good euphamism for “pee?”

As the sound soothes you to complacency, the gnomes will steal your soul!

Daniel: Yeah, you could just have a little table top fountain that sounds like pee anyway.  That way, he would just be contributing to the atmosphere.  Or a fan, or an ambiant sound machine.

Maite: Or a new pet parakeet!  I think that would be lovely.

Maite's grammer school photo

Chirp! Chirp! Chirp!

Daniel: Really, your upstairs neighbor is giving you sound effects for free!

Maite:  Exactly.  It’s all in the mind.  Just visualize that you are under a babbling brook or cascading forest stream.  Or, as the case may be, a thunder storm.  Better yet, move.  There isn’t much you can do.

Daniel:  And for Pete’s sake, don’t get the bottom unit!

Signed: Horrified Hubby

Maite’: I say you’re just gonna have to bear with it.
Ahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaa!!!!   Whew…  Someone had to say it.

Daniel: Now that we’ve gotten past that bit of ugliness…  There is
really no place in good design, or any design, really, for the
aggrandizement of animal slaughter.  I say, donate it to a museum.
There’s honestly no compromise for me on this.  Respecting history is
one thing, but some traditions are best left in the past.

Maite’: I agree.  If it were less obtrusive, like a mounted marlin or
a set of stag horns, you MIGHT get away with it in a covered patio or
basement home theater.  But a full size grizzly?  Yikes…  A museum
it is.

Daniel: Right now, local natural history museums, school libraries,
inner city science centers, are all way under funded.  Send that beast
to a place where it can actually teach someone about conservation.

Dear Dan & Maitae,

Thanksgiving is looming and I’ve got  in-laws, friends, friends of friends, family members, pets, and even an old college professor coming over for dinner, and we have no dining table (unless you countmy husband’s old bachelor pad card table with a crooked leg.) The table we love is a Mahogany dining table, but it’s an 8 week wait, or we can buy one we don’t love right off the floor.  Help!

Signed: Run out of of time

Dear Run:

Maite’:Which is gonna last longer, the marriage or a good dining table?  Seriously, I think we both know the answer.  Tell everyone
that you have the flu and send them to Whole Foods for a little
precooked Tofurky goodness, and go buy the table of your dreams.

Love the Tofurky

Good design trumps true love any day of the week, in my book.

Daniel: Slow down there, Scrooge.  I agree that you shouldn’t buy a dining table under duress; in a year, you’ll be glad you waited.  But you can still have a fabulous dinner.  Put a couple six foot folding tables together (40 bucks or so from Home Depot) and go buy a couple yards of way over-the-top fabric for a table cloth.  No one will even notice that they’re eating on Masonite and tubular steel.

Maite’: Actually, that’s MY old trick that Daniel just stole, AS
USUAL!!  You can get a really cool piece of fabric downtown (you’d need 5 yards or so) for about 3 bucks a yard.

Velvets, satins, tapestry chenilles, whatever, you’re just gonna throw it away afterwards; which means you can laugh in the face of spilled red wine and the cranberry sauce you threw at your husband when he told that one joke of his.

Daniel: For a very organic and Autumnal  touch, get some of those mini pumpkin squash things, cut a slit in them lengthwise, and use them to hold up place cards. Printing them on parchment paper gets you extrapoints.  Throw some red and brown fall leaves on top of the tablecloth, on the plates.

Maite: String some English Ivy through your wrought iron chandelier  for an original, organic touch.

Daniel: Then just laugh and laugh when your cousin’s  obnoxious baby spews applesauce all over everything…

Yuck.

Dear Maite & Daniel:

What are the rules regarding the sizes and shapes of coffee tables?

Daniel: Rule number one: don’t get one that’s too big.  You need 19” between the sofa and coffee table, and the table shouldn’t be longer than the seat cushions or else the sofa looks like a miniature.

Real men sit on yellow

Maite: Rule number two:  don’t listen to Daniel.  The design world has too many rules.  I like to create big surfaces in a living room to make the space warmer and balance out a large sofa.  Add two occasional chairs and the room has balance and flow.

Daniel: Rule number three:  Maite is on pills.  Nothing is worse than a room that feels packed to the walls with furniture.  How much stuff are you gonna put on that table anyway?

Maite: Rule number four:   just like a man, telling us that smaller is better.  I didn’t  say to put a dead elephant if front of your sofa, just that you may find a fantastic coffee table that stretches arm to arm,  or a long ottoman that everyone can put their feet on.

Oversized reclaimed coffee table atMortise & Tenon

Daniel: Rule number five.  There are no hard and fast rules.  The correct design  approach is combining good basics with the unexpected that works for you and your  taste.  Your question is so ginormous, we’ll  address style in part II.

We are having our first child in six months (Yay!) and are concerned with all the toxins that are used in the furniture manufacturing process.  How can we keep our Los Angeles home eco friendly, and have a great looking eco interior?

Signed Worried  Parents to be

Daniel: If it ain’t made of grass, it ain’t  green made in my book. Seriously, the first thing you’re gonna want to do is move, far away, out of LA and probably the country, we recommend Venus.  There are more poisons in the air and water here than in most of what you can buy in a furniture store.

Maite: Aside from that, the easiest thing you can do is to shop for things made here in California that has some of the strictest environmental laws in the country.  Working with a custom builder who can tell you exactly what is in his finishes is safest.  Non-toxic lacquers and glues, bee’s wax finishes, and low VOC sealers are all readily available in most applications.

Daniel: But honestly, if you’re really concerned, get the kid a HAZMAT suit,

toxic family

and set up house in the Himalayas. Talk about green made!!!

photos courtesy of flickr

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Q&A Candle Meltdown:

Dear Maite & Daniel,

For many years I’ve been in the closet, but feel that you two can help me. I am a Wiccan and burn many candles. As everyone knows good quality candles are not cheap, and many times they burn evenly, lean or drip, or won’t light after the wick is a few inches below the edge. Please help. I have a big sacrifice coming up, and I want everything to look just perfect to appease the gods.

Signed: Worried witch

Dear uh, Witch

Daniel: here’s something I often do myself. Gently cup your large diameter candle
after burning to mold the warm wax so they stay firm and straight. Why are you looking at me like that?

Maite: Freakish, but true. Before you light your candles trim the wick to a 1/4”each time to keep the flame from being too large.

Daniel: tea lights can also melt through and leave a lump of wax in your votives. Put them in the freezer for about 10 minutes and the wax glob will come right out.

Maite: putting pillars in the freezer for 2 weeks will extend the life of the candle dramatically. I don’t why, anybody know?

Daniel: Another thing I enjoy doing is dipping my candle into varnish. Once it dries it will burn approximately. 10 times longer and evenly. Gotta love that!

P.S. No disrespect intended to Wiccans, No animals were harmed in the writing of this preposterous, made-up gaff. The tips; however,are very real.